By Lawrence Monaco
I have a confession to make; I’m a fan of wrastlin’. I grew up with the Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior, and got re-hooked in middle school during the Attitude Era. Watching Monday Night Raw became a part of my weekly routine. Here I am many years later, and I am losing interest. For years I tuned in out of habit, and finally threw in the towel. Every once in awhile, Nexus would debut and destroy everyting, or CM Punk would drop a PIPEBOMB, and they would hook me right back in.
But lately things have been bad. I mean, really bad. So bad that my friends that don’t know Dean Ambrose from Dean Martin were asking me how terrible the Royal Rumble was and why it was such a big deal. WWE’s failures have gone mainstream. #CancelWWENetwork was a trending topic on Twitter for almost 24 hours. Their long term booking is non-existent. These are dark days indeed.
Photo Courtesy craveonline.com
Believe me when I tell you, I hate ‘fantasy booking’ as much as you do. That being said, I was discussing the potential Wrestlemania lineup with my brother and we were dumbfounded at how many potentially intriguing storylines have been dropped. This is not the typical, “Daniel Bryan got screwed I hate everything!’ type of article. I am simply approaching this from a storyline standpoint. Yes, a lot of these matches would be entertaining, but I am talking about the leadup, the heated feuds, the STORY TELLING that doesn’t exist anymore.
WWE has spent all of their time and effort to make sure that everyone knows that Roman Reigns is the next big superstar. They have put everything into MAKING ROMAN LOOK STRONG and in doing so have completely ignored the rest of the card. Seriously, how many Mania feuds were set up at the Royal Rumble? Rusev stormed into John Cena’s promo afterwards??? ZOMG THEY HATE EACH OTHER NOW.
Photo Courtesy wrestlingnews.co
I sat down and started thinking about how I would put together the Wrestlemania card. Instead of talking about how terrible things are, I wanted to try to take a different approach and instead of complaining, offer ideas on how things could be improved. And honestly, the biggest problem I had was fitting them all into a 4 hour show (plus an extra pre-show match). You would probably have to knock a few of these off of the card, but time permitting, here are my ideas for what SHOULD have been the lineup for WWE’s biggest show of the year.
This is nothing ground breaking or nothing too far-fetched. But here are the matches with a brief summery of how it would be set up and why it would make sense. Let’s get into it.
Kickoff Pre-Show
Tag Team Title Elimination Match
Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (C) v The Usos v The Prime Time Players v The Ascension
Photo Courtesy dailywrestlingnews.com
I love the pairing of Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. They deserve a shot on the main show but you need a good, competitive match to try to sell some last minute PPV buys. I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into this one, as literally the entire tag team division is included (for those that don’t watch, WWE doesn’t put a lot of focus on the tag team division). The Usos get their rematch, the Prime Time Players have recently reunited and would come in on a winning streak, and the Ascension is there to lose quickly. Because that’s what they do. Cesaro and Kidd retain.
Main Show
Goldust v Stardust
Photo Courtesy mondowrestling.org
Goldust’s career is winding down and he has been pitching a one on one match against his younger brother for years. Give the man one last Wrestlemania match, let him put his brother over on his way out the door, and let them go all out and have a great contest. And let Cody Rhodes go on and do bigger and better things.
Randy Orton v Bray Wyatt
Photo Courtesy pwmania.com
Let one of the young guys have a big match with one of the established vets. Orton is a newly turned babyface and could have a solid match with Bray Wyatt. Booking the two to cross paths would be tough to do, but you could have Orton return, try to get his revenge on the Authority, and have Bray mess with him. Cut a promo about how he is a lost soul and go from there. Not my favorite matchup, but it gives two big names a program for Mania. And Wyatt gets a big win.
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Photo Courtesy thefastertimes.com
Don’t care who is in the match. Luke Harper gets a lot of eliminations. New Day reminds everyone that they suck. Mizdow throws Miz over the top rope for the win.
John Cena v Sheamus
Photo Courtesy prowrestling.wikia.com
Another case of taking two big names and throwing them in a program together. To get to this one, I would have Sheamus return as the newest recruit of the Authority, and have him attack Cena several times during his matches on Raw. Again, not exactly an exciting match, but it gives a returning Sheamus a big name to work with and keeps Cena away from Rusev and, more importantly, the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Oh, and #CenaWinsLOL
Dean Ambrose v Seth Rollins
Photo Courtesy 411mania.com
Remember when their feud ended abruptly with no real payoff and everyone figured they were putting things on hold for a final showdown at Wrestlemania 31?? Apparently the writers forgot as well. These two have terrific chemistry, and an unfinished story. If given enough time these two could steal the show. I would hate to put these two together because in the end Seth Rollins would be victorious, and Dean Ambrose is really overdue for a win, as all he has done is lose since The Shield split up. Still, his popularity hasn’t taken a hit and I think he would be fine losing to his former teammate as their match quality would elevate both guys.
HHH v Dolph Ziggler
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I don’t know many people that are excited about seeing 45 year old HHH facing 50 year old Sting. There really is nothing behind this match, other than HHH has booking power and needs a big match for Mania. They are shilling the WWE vs WCW dynamic, but the whole thing just falls flat in my opinion. Remember back in November when the entire build focused around Team Cena against Team Authority? And The Authority got fired because of Dolph Ziggler? And then they came back and fired Dolph Ziggler? And then Dolph Ziggler got his job back? My head hurts writing all of that. It was stupid booking that went in a circle and went nowhere. Why not have some sort of payoff and give one of your youngest, talented stars a huge win over a legend at the biggest show of the year?? This is, of course, assuming HHH would be willing to lose. But this is my world, and in my world, he does the job. So with HHH booked, what would Sting do?
Sting v The Undertaker
Photo Credit deviantart.com
User tripleh021
I know, I just complained about two old men facing off. And replaced one old man with an even older man. But think about it. It would finally be happening about 8 years too late, but if both guys are going to be involved in Wrestlemania, why not give the fans the matchup they have been wanting for years?? Keep it short, let Sting use a bat, and in the end give Taker the victory. The spectacle and the entrances would be epic, and even with a weak match, the matchup would definitely be a selling point. Let them have their moment and let them both retire on a high point.
Rusev (c) v Roman Reigns for the United States Title
Photo Courtesy sportskeeda.com
I get that Roman Reigns is the future whether I like it or not. I could write an entire article on how they have bungled the booking of his character since the breakup of The Shield, but I will save that for another day. Instead of forcing Reigns into a position he isn’t ready for, or hasn’t earned, however you want to view it, ease him into a top spot over time. The man has literally had TWO one on one matches at Pay Per Views (Summerslam v Randy Orton, Fastlane v Daniel Bryan). So his third ever solo match at a Pay Per View will be for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main event at Wrestlemania. That makes sense, right? Yes, his injury cost him time to develop his character and give him some more in-ring experience, but you have to work with the hand you are dealt. Instead of calling an audible and re-writing their script to make sense, they stuck with it. And the fans revolted.
Anyway, this is the perfect way to build him up for the main event next year. Have him beat the monster Rusev. Have him liberate the United States title from the evil foreigner. I have a feeling if the Royal Rumble hadn’t gone down the way it did, and Reigns was being set up to face Rusev at Mania, the crowd would be completely behind him. There would be no resentment for an undeserved mega-push, and imagine the pop he would receive when he ended Rusev’s reign of terror. Again, this wouldn’t work now, as Reigns has been tainted and the crowd would probably cheer Rusev as things stand now. But in my world, Reigns didn’t win the Rumble and wasn’t labeled as public enemy number one. I would give Reigns a big win at Wrestlemania, have him defend the title for a long time, give him another big win at Summerslam, and if he is ready, have him win the Rumble next year. Again, logic being applied to storytelling. Not WWE’s strongsuit. Oh, and give the man new music and ring attire. He’s clinging to The Shield. Let him be his own man. Oh, and no more nursery rhymes or Looney Tunes lines. Sufferin’ succotash, son.
Divas Title Match
Photo Courtesy diva-dirt.com
I can’t take a belt that looks like a butterfly seriously. Neither do the WWE’s writers apparently. They have some very talented women under contract, but don’t give them an opportunity to show what they can do. Compare them to NXT’s Womens division and you see why no one cares about the Divas. It’s a shame, and they deserve better. Hopefully they fix things, but in the meantime, they don’t care so neither do I. I’ll say Paige vs. Nikki Bella vs AJ for the title. Because why not.
Brock Lesnar ( c ) v Daniel Bryan for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
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Lets rewind to two weeks before the Royal Rumble to fix the mess that WWE has put themselves in.
Daniel Bryan returns from injury. He explains that he was stripped of his championship because of injury, and Brock Lesnar has been the interim championship in his absence. He requests a match to determine who is the true undisputed WWE World Heavyweight Champion. The Authority obviously declines his request and tells him to get to the back of the line of potential challengers.
Discouraged, Daniel Bryan declares he will enter the Royal Rumble and win his title shot. The Authority would force him to win a match to become eligible, which Bryan will do. Stephanie McMahon then announces that Daniel Bryan will in fact enter the Royal Rumble. At number one.
The Rumble comes and Daniel Bryan defeats all odds. He becomes the third person in history to win the Royal Rumble from the #1 spot (And the second that they can reference in the annual “Royal Rumble by the Numbers” promos). He earns his shot at the Beast Incarnate at Wrestlemania.
The storyline makes perfect sense, and everything works. Let’s talk about the match itself. Brock Lesnar is a MONSTER. Why would anyone believe that the smaller Daniel Bryan would have a shot at beating him?? It’s simple. Brock has beaten HHH and John Cena each several times. It has been established that no one can out-muscle him. So strength doesn’t work (cough cough, Roman Reigns). How about technique?? How many stories have been told where the quicker, smarter, technician can topple the big, overpowered beast? As cliche as the David and Goliath story is, its basic storytelling. And it WORKS.
Daniel Bryan would target Brock’s legs with strikes and submissions, and be able to tell a fantastic story as he systematically weakens the unstoppable monster. Remember when Eddie Guerrero defeated Brock for the title at No Way Out in 2004? It was a fantastic match and it worked. Bryan and Lesnar would have an equally entertaining match and make it look believable. In the end, Daniel Bryan slays the beast and wins the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Cue the confetti and fireworks. Let the celebration begin!
Until…..
Brock Lesnar, infuriated, has a sudden realization that he has lost his title. In a fit of rage, he attacks a weakened and exhausted Daniel Bryan, hitting him with several F5’s. Heyman calms him down and finally gets him to leave the ring. Seth Rollins music hits, he runs down, hits a curb stomp onto the briefcase, and asks the ref to ring the bell. He’s cashing in.
Bryan can barely stand. Rollins quickly hits another curb stomp and pins the champion. You have the symmetry of The Authority stealing Bryan’s spotlight once again (Randy Orton at Summerslam in 2013), and you have a heel champion with several ready-made feuds to carry out over the next several months. Daniel Bryan gets his rematch, and you have Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, John Cena (yawn), Randy Orton and eventually Roman Reigns to challenge him at future Pay Per Views. The future is now.
So there you have it. My WWE Wrestlemania 31 card. Any better than what they are going to give us? Worse?? Let me hear it on Twitter @LawrenceMonaco and be sure to follow the official StraightDupe account @StraigthDupe!!!